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tazer
Posted On 07/29/2009 07:55:16
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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun: a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (troubled little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your ass flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less that 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best: I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it dude", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol’thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION....WHAT THE HELL!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in a fetal position, with tear in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room...
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits the little I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My whole right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loves the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid
Tags: Hilarious
7 reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him '.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Tags: Watch Out For Them
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friends
Posted On 07/13/2009 14:32:03
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FRIENDS VS. SOUTHERN FRIENDS FRIENDS: Never ask for food. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. FRIENDS: Will say "hello". SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" FRIENDS: Are for a while. SOUTHREN FRIENDS: Are for life
0 Lord, I am a hunter And life I seek to take But let me not attempt the shot Beyond my skill to make For Lord they are your creatures Given for our use But each one falls within your sight They're not for our abuse And when I loose my arrow Please guide it swift and true Or let it miss completely, Lord That pain be not undue A clean kill or no kill, Lord Such is my heart's desire Give me the skill to make it so Or let me hold my fire And when my time upon this earth The days they are fulfilled Grant that I may die at least As clean as those I killed
One morning three Alabama good old boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South. When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn," answered one of the Southern boys. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please." 
A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man... "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home." "That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that." The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works." "OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several m inutes, the warden says, "Well?" Well, what?," says the redneck. The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" The FISH," replied the warden. "What fish?" replied the redneck.
Tags: Funny
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