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I love to hog hunt.  My husband and his hog hunting buddies get together when the season is open to dogs, and go on a week long excursion down the Pearl River.  I was told by my husband's burly buddies "NO WOMEN!"  "WELL FINE!", I pouted, "BE THAT WAY!"

I was told that  they probably wouldn't be able to get cell phone service way back in the woods where they were going so don't try to call.  

Well, me being...well ME, decided to try to call that night to see how things were going if I could get through.  I dialed my husband's cell number and low and behold it went through. HA!  When he answered the phone the first thing he said was "I didn't know they were going to show up!  I promise!  Don't be mad."

"What are you talking about?...."

And that was when I heard the unmistakable sound of lively FEMALE laughter in the background.  "Who in the H3LL is THAT!"

"Now honey, they just showed up! Had I known they were coming, I would have insisted they let you come too." He pleaded

Evidently, a few of the GIRLFRIENDS of the group thought it would be fun to show up in person to see how things were going.  

First, let me say I trust my husband and I was not mad that the girls showed up and.........I was not mad when nobody told them they couldn't stay because it was a "guys hunting trip".  What did ruffle my tail feathers was the following year,  when AGAIN I was told by the same group of burly men, "NOPE, NO WOMEN, THIS IS A MAN'S HOG HUNT!"

Now, I had been told by my husband that the previous year they didn't eat until pretty later that night because of all the work that had to be done like sleeping tents and the cooking tent needing to be setup before they could prepare  that evenings meal.

With the sweetest smile I could manage plastered on my face I said "That's OK, I understand, it's no big deal.....Y'all got everything y'all need?....UMM...You know?....I could make y'all something to eat for when you get there so y'all wouldn't be scrabblin around after dark trying to get something to eat....All you'd have to do would be to heat it up."

"Well, that'd be real nice of you."

"Well, you big'ol men can't be expected to stay up all night cookin when you got to get up and do all that manly hog hunting." I said as I batted my eyelashes and looked at them like an indulgent mother hen.

"Man Parry, your wife being real decent about this" they told my husband as he beamed with pride.

I nonchalantly walked inside and began cooking.  I had some leftover hog that had been roasted the night before for a party.  It was REALLY greasy.  I cubed it all up, carefully preserving all the fat and grease and put it all in the pot as a base for a very special pot of "manly hog hunting, no women allowed" chili.

After my base, I added my carefully selected spices along with freshly grown tomatoes, pinto beans.......and about 6 habenaro peppers diced so small they were all but recognizable. I simmered it with all the love I had in me and the outcome was a deceptively delicious pot of homemade chili.

I helped my husband gather the rest of his gear and put the chili in a rubbermaid and placed it in the boat myself. With a kiss goodbye, I waved and smiled and wished them luck as they set off.

It was about 5am when I got a phone call.  The caller id indicated that my loving husband was calling me, the same husband who did NOTHING to defend my requests to go with the guys on their hog hunt.   "HI SWEETIE! How's the manly hog hunting trip?" I sweetly asked.

"YOU B1TCH! WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT CHILI?"

"Only the best for my manly men my love....why didn't it taste ok...was it too hot?" I asked trying to maintain my composure.

"It tasted great, it was hot but chili is supposed to be hot!  That's not the problem.....it was so good that we all had 2 and 3 helpings.  The problem is that a few hours after eating it we all started running for the woods.  Nikki, damn it! We've all been $hitting our brains out all night and it BURNS so bad coming out that our a$$es are so raw that that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about having to again in around 10 minutes!" He all but whimpered. "I wouldn't be surprised if my colon exploded!" 

"ALL night? Come on...."I scoffed

"Nikki, there is so much toilet paper on the ground it looks like it snowed!"

In the background I her "IS THAT HER?! Tell her we are going to KILL her..." along with "Oh man, not again!"

At this point, I am laughing so hard that I am crying.  I manage to get out "Well, have a good time at your hog hunt!" as I hung up the phone and fell into uncontrollable laughter.

The next year, I was cordially invited to go on their annual hog hunting trip, evidently they were afraid to find out how I would get them back had they denied me again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Living out in the country with kids, property, food plots and animals to tend to because I have a husband that works offshore, I don't to go out much.My husbands really tries to take me out when an event arises.  This year my husband was actually home and able to attend his company's Christmas party.  He and I decided to go. Since it was being held close to his home office in Lafayette on Friday night, we thought we'd drop the kids off at gramma's to babysit and we would get a hotel room and stay the night instead of driving the 2 and a half hours home after a night of drinking.


We got to town well before the party and Parry went inside to check in while I waited in the truck. We parked and gathered all of our things to bring up to our room. I, of course packed way more that what I
needed and was rather loaded down while Parry lead the way to our room.

Parry shook his head while I dragged my stuff banging into him, walls, doors, and anything else in my way while he held the door open for me.

After I get all my stuff unpacked and was ready to start getting dressed for the party, I decided that I wanted something to drink from the vending machine to aid me in my preparation. I scrounged around and managed to gather what seemed like enough change and Parry handed me the key card for the room as I set out to search for the vending machine.

I was pretty happy that the "quest for soda" took minimal search skills on my part and backtracked my way back to the room. As I got close to where my room was, I realized that in all the bother of getting to the room, laying out my things just right, and my concern fr finding the vending machines without hiking all over the hotel........I had never seen, heard, or even asked what our room number was. WELL SHOOT!

I knew I was in the right vicinity, it had to be one of the rooms....in this wing. I wondered up and down the hall trying to retrace my steps in my head. I just could not remember for the life of me where the hell my room was....surely Parry would come looking for me at some point? Yeah Right! That'll happen.

Then I thought I would just stick the card in every door until one of the little electronic card key locks turned green. I then had visions of someone hearing me piddle with their door lock and jerking the door
open to check it out and discovering me outside their door and mehaving to explain my stupidity. No, I had to do this covert and with stealth. I started at the end of the hall and began to work my way
putting my key card in as quietly as possible while trying to look nonchalant when other guests passed me in the hall.

None of the locks were opening...DANG IT! I am completely animated at this point. Standing in the middle of the hall, hands on my hips I stomped my foot throwing a silence hissy fit. Then counting doors and then trying to reenact my arrival as to jog my memory. WELL CRAP. I decided to go back to the vending machine and reenact my journey from there. On my way back I see a hotel phone on a table by the elevator.  AH HA!!! I'll just call the lobby and ask for our room and brave the supreme ribbing I was surely to catch from him.

I pick up the phone and it automatically rang the front desk. I didn't understand the lady on the phone very well. She sounded like she had some sort of vocal impediment or maybe she had a cold and just couldn't talk very well. WHATEVER, I didn't care I just needed to get back to my room....I asked for Parry Ott's room and heard laughter in background. I am fairly sure I hear someone yell "Pay Up!" in the background. I thought "wow, their having fun at the front desk". But I forgot about that as the laughter on the phone switched to ringing. Parry answered the phone and I meekly asked him what our room number was. SILENCE. HELLO?.......

After he stopped laughing at me, he told me "519, you big dork". I told him that it wasn't THAT funny and hung up the phone to make my way back to the room. That's when I noticed the SECURITY CAMERAS! Several of them..........covering every possible angle of the hall where my confused wanderings, covert ops, hissy fit, animated reenactments, and subsequent reluctant phone call took place.

The memory of laughing from the lobby phone came flooding back. WELL, THAT"S JUST PERFECT!

If my happy butt shows up on youtube, I'm going to hunt each and every one of those hotel personal down like dogs and hide their bodies in the swamp.